Stayed home today

Did I just call this small hole my home?

I guess I should. I still feel uneasy calling this place my home. Many times, I still yearn for the security and familiarity of the place that I had in Singapore. I had a such strong sense of identity there. But funnily, I wasn't conscious of it when I was in Singapore. In fact, I was also feeling inadequate and insecure of my own place when I was back 'home'.

Perhaps the grass IS always greener on the other side. And one learns to appreciate things when they are not around.

Of course, there is the strong possibility that I basically have too much time on my hands and allowed myself to 'think too much'.

I am rather fearful of starting from scratch so many things. But at least the major admin things are done - bank accounts, school enrollment, induction for classes, etc. However, these is the easy part. Far more difficult is to make new friends, maintain contact with them, make small talk with them. I have gotten used to doing things on my way, in my own way, I wonder if I will allow myself to get close to anybody I meet out here. Of course, I think I am also held by the subconscious sense of insecurity. The foreign students whom I have got to know. Will we stay in touch this year while at King's, only to lose touch when we part our ways? I have been disappointed by my friends so often in Singapore already that I am quite cynical about making new friends here. I'm not sure if I still want to put as much effort to start and maintain new friendships over here. But knowing me, I probably will still stick my head (and heart) out on the chopping board, ready for any cutting and slicing...

Sigh... So depressing. I better stop now before I really decide to become a recluse.

Besides, I should get started on that dozen books I just borrowed from the library yesterday!